When Religion Meets Doubt: Wrestling With God within the Midst of Most cancers
Within the confines of that room, we had been handed a script for the following six months of our lives — a script we by no means needed to learn.
Chemotherapy begins in two weeks.
The oncologist described the method that my spouse will undergo.
Each fortnight for the following six months, she must sit in a chair on the hospital for six hours to have the chemotherapy medication fed into her arteries intravenously by means of a port they’ve already surgically inserted slightly below her proper collarbone.
Every event will likely be adopted by days of illness.
She’s going to lose her hair.
Watching my spouse take up this data from the oncologist, I couldn’t assist however admire her stoicism. She is so courageous. As for me, I primarily felt dread. It was what the physician mentioned subsequent that involved me most. “Then,” he mentioned, “After the six months of chemo, we sit again and cross our fingers.”
In spite of everything this therapy, it comes right down to the crossing of fingers?
Actually?
I pressed the physician a bit for extra particulars in regards to the long-term prognosis. Nevertheless, I’ve discovered that nowadays, docs don’t communicate by way of percentages and timelines. He mentioned, “Look, we should be sincere with one another right here. We’re capturing for the championship and hoping for the very best.”
I think about a scene from a school basketball recreation the place three seconds are left on the clock, and a participant throws a “Hail Mary” shot from the midway line to win. Nobody expects the ball to sail by means of the web. The group holds its breath. And, if by some miracle, the shooter lands his basket, euphoria!
It hardly occurs, however when it does, wow!
The physician’s analogy made sense. We’re in a high-stakes recreation, battling an unpredictable and formidable opponent. The championship he referred to was the hope of a remedy — an opportunity for a life past most cancers.
What about religion and hope?
I’ve now written a number of articles in regards to the journey we’re on. In my final article, I wrote about how struggling doesn’t make me imagine in God any much less — regardless that there’s an expectation that it ought to.
However please don’t mistake me for some form of “hero of the religion.” I promise you that there have been moments of crippling doubt. In these instances, I’ve discovered myself in some very uncooked and unfiltered dialog with God. It’s not fairly. It’s not polished. It’s messy, determined, and actual. There was crying and cursing and the demanding of solutions. It’s like grappling with a power past my understanding — a battle to make sense of the mindless.
And you realize what? In these moments of doubt, when I’m lastly completed with my ranting at God, one thing uncommon usually occurs. It’s as if God meets me in that uncooked vulnerability, not with solutions, however with a quiet presence. It’s a silent understanding, a recognition of my ache, my anger, my questions. He’s just like the good friend who listens sympathetically to my incoherent ravings after which gently places his hand on my shoulder as if to say, “I do know.”
The skeptic and people much less emotionally attuned seize on the second to disprove God’s existence — as if that had been doable. “Some good friend!” They are saying. “He has the ability to heal most cancers — even rid the world of most cancers — and but he does nothing!”
I don’t blame them for suggesting it — regardless that their timing is poor. In spite of everything, I’ve thought it. Who hasn’t? The conclusion that many come to is that God just isn’t actual, or that God can not do something to assist, or that God doesn’t care.
However right here’s the factor — even within the doubt, I can’t deny the moments of solace I’ve present in stillness and prayer, the inexplicable power that’s carried us by means of the darkest days to this point, or the unexplained moments of grace which have punctuated this journey.
Religion, I’ve come to see, is a dwelling, respiration factor. It wavers, it falters, but it surely additionally grows. It’s much less like a static rock and extra like an unyielding sea that I’ve to navigate day-to-day.
Rising up within the church, I used to be taught that doubt was a sin — that the champions of our religion by no means succumbed to second-guessing God. However right here’s the factor: The other of religion just isn’t doubt as a result of religion, by definition, just isn’t required until there’s some cause to doubt. Or, to place it one other manner: If we had no doubts, we wouldn’t want any religion. Subsequently, the other of religion just isn’t doubt however certainty.
An immature believer has neat and tidy solutions. However, there comes a degree the place one should settle for that there are some issues — many issues truly — for which there aren’t any solutions. To be an individual of true religion, it’s a must to turn into utterly comfy with thriller and paradox. You even have to surrender your dependancy to solutions and sit fortunately in the midst of confusion with out being troubled by it.
That’s actual religion, and I don’t faux to have it… but.
However, I’ve discovered that it’s okay to grapple with doubt as a result of, in that battle, I’m truly partaking with my religion on the deepest degree. In spite of everything, religion that has by no means been examined can by no means be trusted.
A word of thanks
When I first wrote about my spouse’s analysis, I used to be overwhelmed by the sort messages that got here within the type of feedback and emails from individuals — full strangers who had been in some way providing their solidarity and help.
I supply my due to the Medium group which feels very very similar to an prolonged household proper now. On this journey, you’ve turn into extra than simply readers or followers. You’ve turn into companions — fellow vacationers with us.
I do know that most cancers impacts many individuals each immediately and not directly so I promise to proceed sharing our story — regardless of the way it ends. Could you realize, as we do, that we don’t stroll this journey alone.
Till subsequent time…
—
This submit was beforehand revealed on MEDIUM.COM.
***
From The Good Males Challenge on Medium
Be a part of The Good Males Challenge as a Premium Member at the moment.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Males Challenge with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership offers you an all entry go. You might be part of each name, group, class and group.
A $25 annual membership offers you entry to at least one class, one Social Curiosity group and our on-line communities.
A $12 annual membership offers you entry to our Friday calls with the writer, our on-line group.
Register New Account
Want extra data? A whole record of advantages is right here.
—
Picture credit score: iStock.com